The joy of parenthood!!! Oh the joy of parenthood!! It is such an amazing journey. A joy that keeps growing. This joy matures like wine as it gets better and more exiting with time. The joy of parenthood. The joy that cannot be explained, but only experienced.
I have grown with my daughter. I have matured as a human being. I have learnt to appreciate the little things I have in life, the blessings that come my way daily. I have learnt to complain less and to embrace everything as it comes. As I know now, everything has a good intention eventually. It’s just a matter of time and waiting for that right moment. Patience they say. I have grown to love her even more.
I have grown more attached to her. What brings more joy in my life now more than anything else is the smile on her face. The giggles, the games she loves. The manipulative screaming stunts she pulls. The amazement of “how did she know that?” The little faces she makes with her face and the roaring laughter that follows. I are just left to wonder, how brilliant can a baby be at only 1 year. Yes just a year.
There is a lot of scariness that comes with all these. The stare that she gives you, the “I depend on you” look she pulls every minute she is with me. The clinginess, “I want only you to carry me now”… all very scary. I am just me. I am a human being who can barely take care of her own self. I am insecure too!!! I am very scared too!!! Why do you have so much expectation? Seemingly very trusting with the innocent stare? I have made a lot of mistakes. These gush of scary feelings always popping up every once in awhile always gets me thinking….
It’s just a year since I started this amazing journey of motherhood. I have lived all my life just me. And it will be a lie if I said it was an instant adjustment. It has been, amazing, strange, different, great, scary, warmth, joy, losing it and just peace. Got me rearranging my thoughts, wait. I have an opportunity to be who she wants me to be to my little angel. To be that ideal person that she sees me. I have the opportunity to turn myself into that ideal super human of a mom I have in mind so that I don’t disappoint her. After all it’s not like she knows me or anything….. I have the chance to give and just give in abundance.
The willingness to give so much love without any limitation is also a new feeling. The willingness to sacrifice oneself to become a version of one’s’ best self is a new concept to me. The willingness to love unconditionally without strain is a thing that perplexes me at the act and beyond. It is the feeling of motherhood. The viewing of one growing child, from crawling to making of a few steps to blabbering of a few words (so far) that leaves me awed and dumbstruck with absolutely nothing to say back to her but feeling of almost tearing.
The craziness and pickiness towards people who are associating, planning to associate or will associate either directly or indirectly with her. The attitude of “I really don’t mind losing this relationship if it comes to hurting my daughter in any way”. The surety that comes with these thoughts is such an assured way of living!! Just because of my daughter I am who I am today. I am a better person. I am purposing towards becoming an even better person. The least I can do today is wishing her a happy birthday. Happy birthday baby Ivana.